Hey! Heyy!! Heyyy!!!
Happy Wednesday everyone! I hope everyone had a great Easter.
The great thing about social media is that you can meet new people from different parts of the world. I have met plenty of women on Instagram who has the same motherhood struggles, same interest, etc. I reached out to my followers to see if anyone would be interested in being a guest blogger. To my surprise, I received some feedback. I have connected with some very empowering women and would love to share some of what they have to say.
I am very excited to introduce you all to my first guest blogger, Lauren Taylor! I hope you all enjoy her post!
*I have three children. I work full time, volunteer at our church, my husband is an entrepreneur, we have two dogs, my husband is a volunteer firefighter and I am a (sometimes) PTA member, and I want another baby.
How crazy is that?! I am quite possibly insane. Because I mean come on, after I listed some of my activities above; how could any person, especially a person who falls into bed at the end of each day dreaming about a two-week vacation, could possibly want to throw another tiny human into this mix?
So, let me explain myself. First, lets back up a few weeks. I sit down to write this piece about how my spring break as a working mom was with my children. Immediately all of the obvious roadblocks like returning to work and kids activities started hijacking a timely completion and I just could not get it going! My words were just not manifesting what I wanted to say. Mainly because we had a really boring, but great, spring break. We went to the zoo, did dentist appointments, played at the park with friends. There were lots of giggles and sticky kisses, but that was it. Those last couple of sentences would’ve been my entire blog. I didn’t feel that a piece like that would move anyone, heck it didn’t even move me. I needed to unpack what has been awakened in my mind since 2018 started.
OK so now let’s do some more backing up. I bring you to April 2016. Our daughter who was also our third child was a preemie about six weeks old and I was D O N E. I called my mom crying, actually more like wailing, and I just told her I couldn’t do this. This joy of motherhood had lost its luster in about a six-week time frame. I was completely overwhelmed with a six-year-old, 20-month-old, and this infant. In the middle of all of this, we had just bought our first house and were in the process of moving in. I suffered from a very intense case of post-partum anxiety, that took over my body so physically my jaw would throb from being incredibly tense. It was also at that point that my husband started talking about a fourth baby. Now before we all villainize my husband, he is an epic pregnant husband. He is so wonderful while I’m pregnant, I truly feel like he should write a book on how it’s done. To make additional money, I might think about renting him out for the first two weeks a baby is born because he truly shines. But then around the six-week mark, he’s back to regular husband mode where he says things that are so ridiculous, it baffles me that he approved that message before it passed through his lips. So, in April of 2016, he felt compelled to start petitioning me for another baby. As a result, I went into survival mode.
For almost two years, I would tell anyone who would listen that I was done having children. The sweet old ladies who commented on my little brood would be met with a sweetly awkward rebuttal of “Oh thank you so much, I am not having any more.” Trust me, I do awkward very well just ask my sister. It was like I convinced myself that it would put it out into the universe, then the reality of deep down wanting another baby would never come to light and I would be safe. But when you are running from something it is so important to know the why and reckon with it in your heart.
My reasons can be broken down into three easy sections. The first, in no particular order, is vanity. I wanted my body back. Which is a tried and true saying for many moms out there. I was able to “bounce back” after our first baby was born. I was 23 and still had all of the healthy habits of college. Plus, I only had one to look after and our second son wasn’t born for another four years. Plenty of time to stay in a size small. But having our daughter within 20 months of the second, my body has stayed squishy long than I have intended. Any size smaller than a larger at this point is laughable.
Second, is my health. I have had three C-sections already and an appendectomy during my second pregnancy, so a fourth incision isn’t ideal. My doctors have assured me that while another baby is doable, I need to definitely take a much time for my body to fully reset and potentially take some uterine lining thickening meds. I will say that this reason is the one I relied on the heaviest. Why? Because it’s the scariest one and the easiest one to use. “Why aren’t you having any more children?” “Because my doctor says that I should be done.” Most people in Target or on Facebook are not going to argue that logic with you. I could use it as a cloaking mechanism to hid behind. Could a fourth pregnancy be risky? Yes. Has my doctor said that it is completely out of the question? No.
My last category is the worry. I am a classic worry wart. When I was younger my dad would give me books on overcoming fear because it was very difficult for me. I was lead by what people thought about me and if I would fail. And in this looming fourth baby situation, it’s no different. I worry what society is going to think of me. Four kids like an astronomical amount nowadays. I mean its basically a zany TLC reality show waiting to happen. I worry about what my family is going to think of me. I worry how money is going to work out. I worry about what shopping will look like with a fourth baby mom body. I worry if I’ll have enough love to spread. I worry what my employer will think about me. Basically, worry, worry, worry. There are some days that are better than others when it comes to this. And I will tell you that lots of prayer, honest communication with my husband and therapist help me stay in a place where worry doesn’t drown me.
Now enough of living in the past let’s jump to the present-ish. January 2018, we had just come off of an epic holiday season as a family. We do not live close to any relatives so from October 31st – January 1st we really embrace and embellish the season for our kids as our own tradition. I had taken a good amount of time off of work to be with my family and just soak up all of the loving energy they give off. I was getting ready for us to get back to our normal routine and going through the house frantically trying to clean up when I noticed a different sense come over me. It was like my mind’s eye or my soul started looking for my fourth child. I just saw our three crazies running around and half expected for another one to be teetering after them. I brushed aside the feeling chalking it up it to the residuals thoughts that linger from being on Facebook too long and seeing everyone’s life play out through filtered pictures. But then the baby dreams started. Followed by this constant feeling of the milk letdown when you’re nursing. Seeing our daughter playing mama and being obsessed with babies is softening my heart to know that she’ll be okay giving up the baby spot. Our seven-year-old’s teacher sent me an email, out of the blue, telling me she had a dream the night before that I was pregnant with another baby girl. These waves of emotions brought to life a seed I thought I had done a stellar job of burying. But that’s the funny thing about seeds, you never know when they will begin to sprout roots and grow.
I have no idea what the future holds. I know that I am completely open to welcoming a beautiful little seedling into our home. I know I am more honest with myself about what I want truly want out of life. I mean I just want another baby, what is so wrong with that? I also know that I don’t want to wrap my story up with a cheesy don’t listen to others but do whatever makes you feel happy line. What I will say is learn yourself and don’t shortchange yourself on what you want out of life; whether it be baby one, two, five or six. Go in grace and your outcome will be beautiful.